Rationalizations: The Process of Self-Help

Like I have admitted before to many people, I have a difficult time with self-care that doesn't have to do with staying physically fit.  That comes easy to me for a very good reason, one in which I am quite comfortable to discuss should anyone ask.

When it comes to "taking care of my own self,"  I have often found myself stuck, with little motivation to do so until an emotionally traumatic event hits me and shocks me into self-care action.  Maintaining that, however, is the current battle taking place.  So in my thoughts and posts and instagram stories, I have found myself trying to figure out the why "out loud" in order to best process it.  While some would say it is the actual acts of self-care themselves that help rather than the rationalizations, I feel it's important to reflect on choices I've made and how/why they were made.  Not to put off actually helping myself, but to understand myself; be honest with myself; and hopefully be my own best friend eventually.

One such realization came to me after work earlier today driving to my current place of residence.  Wondering why I haven't helped myself until now has been on my mind lately, along with the thoughts of how not helping myself has lead to negative consequences with regards to interpersonal relationships.  I try and avoid platitudes and phrases that can be placed upon a soothing or tranquil picture, as my situation is different from that person's situation and that other person's... and so on.  Yet, I do find some sort of commonality exists in all of us, regardless of our differences.  And while the human experiences of people can be and are quite complex, if one can't explain a thought or idea simply, then one hasn't given it much thought or internalized it enough.  So if any of my loyal readers decide to put any of my writings on a peaceful image, I will not mind and would actually be somewhat flattered. 

Regarding the realization, I found that when it comes to other people, I may not hear clearly what they say, but I'll still be listening.   With myself, I will hear what I say, but I won't actually be listening.  So I feel one step in breaking this wall of self-help avoidance down is to make sure I am actually listening to myself instead of just hearing myself.  To hear and not listen to myself is not giving myself enough respect to internalize what is being said, and as such, passes into the ether to be lost or recalled at random at some later point in time.

So, don't just hear you Self.  Listen to your Self.

There's your quote.

-D

Fiction: The Dreams

The dreams began with their heads on spikes, a cacophony of silent wailing, eyes drifting toward the land of the absent gods above.  Their skulls drenched in what was once their kinsmen, spiked next to them in similar fashion.  I found myself wandering through the litany of violence these visages represented.  I could not tell if I was clothed in rags or in skin, the heft of the apparel weighted me down enough for it to be either.  That could have also been the weight of the images I witnessed, I was numb to the surroundings as one would become in the cold.

Warmth in abundance was ironically present, overbearing in its smothering.  The fog and humid air could just as easily have been fed by the blood as the water in which this bog presented himself.  A bog that had forest-like elements, but with a complete absence of green, not counting the feeling of sickness to my stomach that was ever increasing the more I traveled. 

And thus I came upon an open field, foggy eyes and foggy skies clouded my vision to the more extremes of depravity upon which this field was built.  But for a moment, deep within the recesses of the mind's eye and cast through the clouds in flashes of unholy lightning was The Great One of which many have spoken, but none alive.  Truly, for a moment, I wondered if The Great One was either capable of such horrendousness surrounding me, or if we were merely playthings, ants led upon a path of promised lands and enlightenment yet brought to the brink of our sanity. 

Truly, not many will know.  For the gaze of The Great One turned toward me.